She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
