my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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