a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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