sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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