Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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