i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
this will be a night to untag.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I would fuck him just for his dog
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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