Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
