You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Bring me that man meat
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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