Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
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