Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Randomize
