What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
