3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
