kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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