People in love make me want to vomit
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
