mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
