Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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