watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
