You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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