I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
