Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
