Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I think a kid would responsible me up
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
