I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
