hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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