i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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