Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
