Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
