I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
