My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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