I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
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