Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
