She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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