I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
