My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
