I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
