Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
