I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
