I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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