genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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