apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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