The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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