I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
