Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
