You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
