You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
