Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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