he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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