well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
