period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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