R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
