Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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